If yer gonna be dum, you gotta be tuf
when life give you lemons, they say to make lemonade. So i was washing my balls in the shower and was wondering how to make lemonade out of lead poisoning and chronic brain swelling, and that kind of thing. I've done alot of stupid shit. What kind of legacy is that? I was started to get down on myself and shit, until i realized that being thirty and unemployable and having no future is actually kind of the state of the world right now isn't it? The future of the world is people like me, and if you look at it that way we're winning. Eat that, Bezos!
I'm not necessarily against smart people doing smart stuff. I just don't think that the world needs smart people right now. At least in the USA, when people are called "smart" it usually means that they take the easiest route to fucking over everyone around them and coasting on painkillers til boredom and old age turn them into another pile of dust in the OG warehouse. In the USA, "smarts" dont mean you help each other out. "Smart" is the people who put potash in the food so the stupid suckers don't breed quite as fast. "Smart" is cutting taxes and cutting corners on water infrastructure in poor neighborhoods. The "smart" people are getting ready to take everything they stole from the global south and dip out to Mars or some underground bunker while billions of refugees die in a pile up at the borders built to keep the money flowing to DickWipe Inc.
Dumb shit is what makes this country great. Union battles that are blatently unwinnable, lost so often that the bosses give us a pity raise. Cities built on foundations of shit, garbage and dead rats. Uncounted masses of naive foreigners poured into factories and press-ganged into building the institutions that made the mighty idiot society we live in today. This continent could never have been conquered if those early rednecks could have understood a damn word of what those indians were saying, all the way back to "No, dude, this is definitely not india." I don't agree with alot of what this country is, but it's hard to not appreciate the unstoppable force of ignorance that binds this society together. For every terrible idea, there was some possibility of a better outcome, and some shittier version of events that forced this particular world into being. We're like zombies. There is no arguing with us. Give us beer and a bed, and/or we'll burn this nation.
I'm about flying 40 miles from Redding, it's a hundred and fuck degrees outside, and i'm just watching ashes fall from the sky, drinking beer in a lawn chair. I'm the adult in charge, and the kids are pretending it's snowing. Pieces of Redding are fucking up our lungs. I'm not anti intellectual. I just dont give a shit right now. People i trust are talking about where to go to get out of the smoke. I don't need to tell these kids about asthma yet because we might be breathing dead people and there isn't a fucking thing I can do about it. Right now I need to pretend to be bigfoot and get punched in the balls by a feral kindergardener.
You want to hear some smart shit? Don't pretend to hug people and then punch them in the balls. Nobody's gonna want to hug you ever again. NOT EVEN YOUR MOM. Also don't tell people you're a socialist and then bust up the union on your factory floor. (TALKING TO YOU ELON) You think you are being smart, but I am bigger than you and I will make you cry. You think you are being smart, but we outnumber you, we are the future, and we will make you regret being born.
Collectively, the humans fucked up. We are probably going to keep fucking up. Cities are way more work than we thought. We are sorry. There just isn't enough water for Los Angeles. Until we do something about that, California will keep burning. People have already started dying. There is no visible reason why the fires should get smaller, and every reason to think that the place where i've learned to call home will be a treeless ashen desert before i'm old enough to die of Parkinsons. Lots of people will die and lose their homes. All of this, because we are too lazy to call up Louisiana and ask to borrow some of their water, which i hear they occasionally receive for free in huge quantities.
I'm not trying to be alarmist. In fact, I propose the opposite. Listen, reader-person, lots of people who have been punched in the face before will tell you that it's really not that bad. Trying not to get punched usually sucks alot more than getting punched, and the best defense is a good offense. So shut up, and come down to California and clear some brush.
Go to the Gulf coast and help grow out that swamp that's supposed to slow down the hurricanes. Pretend to hug Elon Musk and then punch him in the balls, let him see how that feels.
Don't move to Canada and build a wall. (abolish icee) Some other prick is already digging out a fortress in the north pole, waiting for the day you come groveling to them on your knees.
I'm not ever gonna grovel on my knees. I'm gonna just stay right here, and get real good at landing on my face. So fuck off with your clean energy and your coffin sized apartments i dont work for your dumb shit society anymore. I'm gonna sit here and provide an good example of what not to do for these little monsters over here, because those are the ones gonna make the first beer on mars and shit. And thats fuckin important.
This the NorCal Research Station reporting in for the Illegalist Space Program. The region remains in a condition suitable for human life on the morning of this publication. Many Futures!
[This article originally included a list of resources related to fire cleanup. Took too damn long to publish. Another fire came through and a lot of people died. It all feels like ancient history now. Don’t forget your 100 feet of defensible space, people. Fuck PG&E. See ya next summer.]